The infamous "Why I Hate Japan Right Now" post

Firts of all, I am stunned down to the bottoms of my 700 yen Seiyu zebra-print pajama bottoms that apparently that post is one of the top results for googling "I Hate Japan."

http://greatteacherannazuka.blogspot.com/2009/05/why-i-hate-japan-right-now.html

I just googled the phrase myself, and it does not appear on the first page of search results, so who knows?

Anyways, the post has apparently been adopted as a source of catharsis for some and a source of contention for others. I mean, sort of...but let's be honest, not that many people read this blog and five comments is well a big fuckin' deal for me.

I feel the need to do some damage control. Surprisingly, I understand, given the amount of bitching and hatred that seeps through my posts, but I feel like I need to make something clear once and for all:

I DO NOT HATE JAPAN.

I do not hate Japan I do not hate Japan I do I do I do believe in spooks, kind of.

Since the post is dividing the massive amout of internet readership I get (read: three of my friends IRL and the occasional Facebook sraggler), I have listed ten things I love and ten things I despise about this country. All of the forthcoming are 100% what I adore and what I dislike; you are welcome to draw your own goddamn conclusions based on what you consider to be depth and levity in the following:


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT JAPAN:

1. The scenery in Ishikawa prefecture.
2. Umeboshi
3. The fact that when you buy tampons, the drugstore employee wraps the box in a protective paper bag and then bungs it in a larger plastic sack, thereby preventing you from public shame and general uncomfortableness.
4. The Christmas lights.
5. My shower is a clothes dryer!
6. The inexplicable, yet very welcome popularity of otherwise largely-defunct iconic '60s designer Mary Quant.
7. Vending machines and conbini.
8. Kimono
9. 24 beer sources.
10. I bought a 3d T-Rex puzzle at Muji!


THINGS I CAN'T STAND ABOUT JAPAN:

1. Train people.
2. Being shoved for no reason and with no forthcoming apology.
3. Mayonnaise
4. Indirectness (I am blunt to a fault, you fat ugly stupid crotch pig).
5. Inflexibility
6. The inconsistency of how ones pays on public buses.
7. Going on a date with a foreign guy who is married to a Japanese girl, and NEVER TELLS YOU...well, not soon enough.
8. Every time I buy shoes, they die in about a week.
9. Japanese beer all tastes the same after a while.
10. Too many smokers.


As an anonymous (MAN THE FUCK UP PEOPLE; sign your goddamn names, eh?) commenter pointed out on the post in question, no country is perfect.

Japan is not my favourite country of residence, but it's the only one I got. So while I hate it sometimes, I also enjoy it sometimes. Keep that in mind in the future.

Fashion! Turrrrrrrrrrrrn to the reft!

A brief trip to the Omotesando Softbank yesterday inspired the following.

AN OPEN LETTER TO JAPANESE PEOPLE:

Congratulations! You are known worldwide for your fashion sense. The
innovative nature of Japanese sartorialism is globally lauded, often
copied by Western designers (only to ring particularly hollow), lusted
after by legions of fashionistas everywhere, and may have caused Gwen
Stefani to completely lose her fucking mind. This really is something
that you should be proud of, and, in my opinion, it is something you
rightly deserve.

For example, I went into a boutique in Shinjuku station a couple of
months ago and there was a woman with a tree on her head. Just an
ordinary saleswoman, walking around casually adjusting things and
yelling "IRASSHAIMASEEEEEEE" at inanimate objects, but she had a tree
on her head. A fairly large one. And I think it was made of Tinker
Toys. My point being, she actually looked GOOD. If I put a tree on my
head, I would look like a fluffypagan at Burning Man. (That would be
"not so good.")

Despite this, I think you need a few pointers. Bear with me, and think
about heeding the following advice:

1. If it it 95 degrees out (close to 40, that is), then you should not
be wearing a sweatshirt and Doc Martens.

2. Pockets hanging out from the legs of your hotpants do not look
good. Also- and I'm not sure- but I think it must make it really hard
to put shit in your pockets.

3. Those snap-closure elbow-to-wrist gauntlets do nothing for your
arms. Moreover, if you MUST, pick a fabric that does not look like
upholstery. Unless you are a superhero with couch powers or your name
is Ottoman Chesterfield, upholstery gauntlets are strange.

4. If you cannot lift your bag without your boyfriend lending you a
hand, you need a smaller bag. Possibly with fewer keychains on it.

5. You have a choice: either you can wear foot-tall spike heels, or
you can walk like a geisha. Doing both will result in a symptom I like
to call Velociraptor Legs, in which your knees lock and your thighs
eventually grow a horrible frontal curve. I am not kidding about this.

6. YOU ARE NOT FOUR YEARS OLD STOP DRESSING LIKE IT.

7. Attention J-trannies! If you weigh 300 pounds and cannot remove
your 5 o'clock shadow, please do not dress Gothic Lolita! You make
Sailor Bubba look demure and feminine.

8. Actually, if you weigh 300 pounds, don't dress gothloli regardless of gender.

9. WEAR SHOES THAT FUCKING FIT, YOU IDIOTS.

10. If you wear false eyelashes (and I would, if I didn't wear
glasses), please try not to glue them several millimeters above your
actual eyelashes. It is creepy.

11. You may not be a yamamba. Ever.
11a. No, I'm not kidding. For the love of christ, stop.

12. Another issue with hotpants: please don't wear them if your
individual thighs are three times wider that your torso. I am not
kidding. You look like that kangaroo chick from Titan A.E.


I seriously just made a Titan A.E. reference? I quit.