A brief trip to the Omotesando Softbank yesterday inspired the following.
AN OPEN LETTER TO JAPANESE PEOPLE:
Congratulations! You are known worldwide for your fashion sense. The
innovative nature of Japanese sartorialism is globally lauded, often
copied by Western designers (only to ring particularly hollow), lusted
after by legions of fashionistas everywhere, and may have caused Gwen
Stefani to completely lose her fucking mind. This really is something
that you should be proud of, and, in my opinion, it is something you
rightly deserve.
For example, I went into a boutique in Shinjuku station a couple of
months ago and there was a woman with a tree on her head. Just an
ordinary saleswoman, walking around casually adjusting things and
yelling "IRASSHAIMASEEEEEEE" at inanimate objects, but she had a tree
on her head. A fairly large one. And I think it was made of Tinker
Toys. My point being, she actually looked GOOD. If I put a tree on my
head, I would look like a fluffypagan at Burning Man. (That would be
"not so good.")
Despite this, I think you need a few pointers. Bear with me, and think
about heeding the following advice:
1. If it it 95 degrees out (close to 40, that is), then you should not
be wearing a sweatshirt and Doc Martens.
2. Pockets hanging out from the legs of your hotpants do not look
good. Also- and I'm not sure- but I think it must make it really hard
to put shit in your pockets.
3. Those snap-closure elbow-to-wrist gauntlets do nothing for your
arms. Moreover, if you MUST, pick a fabric that does not look like
upholstery. Unless you are a superhero with couch powers or your name
is Ottoman Chesterfield, upholstery gauntlets are strange.
4. If you cannot lift your bag without your boyfriend lending you a
hand, you need a smaller bag. Possibly with fewer keychains on it.
5. You have a choice: either you can wear foot-tall spike heels, or
you can walk like a geisha. Doing both will result in a symptom I like
to call Velociraptor Legs, in which your knees lock and your thighs
eventually grow a horrible frontal curve. I am not kidding about this.
6. YOU ARE NOT FOUR YEARS OLD STOP DRESSING LIKE IT.
7. Attention J-trannies! If you weigh 300 pounds and cannot remove
your 5 o'clock shadow, please do not dress Gothic Lolita! You make
Sailor Bubba look demure and feminine.
8. Actually, if you weigh 300 pounds, don't dress gothloli regardless of gender.
9. WEAR SHOES THAT FUCKING FIT, YOU IDIOTS.
10. If you wear false eyelashes (and I would, if I didn't wear
glasses), please try not to glue them several millimeters above your
actual eyelashes. It is creepy.
11. You may not be a yamamba. Ever.
11a. No, I'm not kidding. For the love of christ, stop.
12. Another issue with hotpants: please don't wear them if your
individual thighs are three times wider that your torso. I am not
kidding. You look like that kangaroo chick from Titan A.E.
I seriously just made a Titan A.E. reference? I quit.
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1 comment:
I thought I was the only ESL teacher in Tokyo who didn't fall in love with "Japanese Culture"... thanks for making the darker observations, the kind that I've noticed but felt ashamed to tell family and friends at home about because I didn't want it to seem as though I was unable to adapt to another culture. Yeah, Japan is weird, subtly racist, and often obviously racist. Surface culture like food and animae and kimonos are just things you can buy, but the real culture is so much more mundane, oppressively repressive, and sometimes disturbingly sexist than most ESL websites will ever admit. I've only been here a couple months, but I thought your comments were very accurate.
Btw, I totally agree about the shoes! Why do all the men where shoes three inches longer than their toes??? Oye.
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